How could I go from happily planning his birthday party next weekend and getting ready to post some more very cute videos of how well Raven is doing… to basically trying to decide how/when I need to say goodbye – in the span of a few hours.
This morning he wolfed his food (I just ordered him a “bloat bowl” he has such a great appetite), bounced happily around. He really has felt about the best he ever has in a very long time. I had to leave for a few hours and when I returned at 11am, he wouldn’t get off the couch. Just lethargic, “aint’ doing right” look.
I had a Xmas party to go to, so I figured I’d have my Mom next door keep an eye on him, maybe he just overdid it and needed to rest. But when I got the car keys, he jumped up and wanted to go, I couldn’t say no to my boy, so he came to the party with me. 🙂
He was quiet and not feeling well, but is always happier to be with me. He was born at my house 9 years ago, I was the first voice he heard and the first person he saw when his eyes opened as a teeny puppy.
But upon arrival home, he was weak getting to the house and couldn’t have without his harness. He wouldn’t eat. He laid down and looked bloated. I rushed him to the ER a few hours ago thinking it was bloat as he’d gulped a ton of water.
He went into shock, was pale grey, cold. They stabilized him and gave him fluids. He has a temp of 104, is weak, but pink again and lifted his head to see me. The xrays and ultrasound were the worst news.
Not only has he developed 5-6 lung mets within the last 3-4 weeks. He has an enlarged spleen with a gigantic tumor that apparently bled out possibly (a radiologist can’t confirm until Monday). They suspect hemangiosarcoma, a very aggressive soft tissue cancer, everything about it’s symptoms fits.
Until now, I thought we’d beat the cancer and yet it’s full fledged. I am faced now with his quality of life. Either I euthanize while he’s okay still (assuming he’ll recover and be his old self tomorrow, blissfully unaware of this knowledge) and acting normal, or I wait until he could rupture this spleen tumor and die suddenly/tragically at home (I have no idea of what would happen in that event?). I don’t know what I can live with. Thankfully, the vet said he isnt feeling pain per se, just lethargy and not feeling well, but could be fine tomorrow. I don’t know what to do. This is incurable. Although a spleenectomy could remove with with a 2-3 month prognosis, I don’t see the point of putting him through that only 5 weeks after amputation.
Should I let him live out his life and die alone accidentally while I’m at work when he jumps off the couch and bleeds out? Or with me home, sobbing because there’s nothing I can do and I can’t move him or reach a vet at home? Or nip those scenarios in the bud and euthanize when I’m prepared and he’s feeling well? 🙁
I’m so unprepared for this sudden turn of events, I am numb. He won’t be sleeping with me for the first night in 9 years. I guess I will just try to go along on autopilot and focus on picking him up tomorrow and going to my own vet (whom I spoke with length on the phone tonight at his house) on Monday and decide his end days then. I just need to prepare myself and be thankful that I still have him tomorrow, God willing.
Here are the two new videos that were planned for this blog today. *sigh*
Here he is having learned to carefully turn his bone around to position it in a way to chew it propped on his one foot. I swear he’s as smart as an ape using tools…although I may be partial. 🙂
And here he was just 48 hours ago at a follow up visit to our vets, he just loves the vet and so we dropped in to say hi. He sounds off and starts barking in the lobby with his Big Boomy Bark when he hears Tom’s voice in the back. I tell him he scares people, but he can’t control himself.
Can I make a prayer request for those inclined? I just need to get through the night and hope I make the best decisions for Raven tomorrow…
Thank you.
I am praying for you and Raven tonite… Such a sweetheart… Love all the videos of him…
My heart is aching for you right now… I can imagine how awful you are feeling tonite… So many decisions… not knowing what is right… There is no wrong or right… Just do whatever your heart tells you to…
Luv,
Angel Jake’s Mom
You have my prayers 100%!!! I know that 1 time night without the baby… Oh it is the hardest ever!! I know the pain, shock, and numbness you speak of. It is almost as bad as the initial diagnosis…
I am glad they got him stabilized. As with any decision, you know Raven the best. You will make the best decision for him, because it will be a decision out of love. Just remember no matter what decision you make, you have our support!! We are all here for you, and you are not alone.
(HUGS)
Alisa & Spirit Shilo Anne
You’ve got more thoughts and prayers coming your way.
I can certainly relate to your situation. Yoda’s was very similar after his second lung met rupture. With him, his oncologist laid out the same dilemma, help him go then, or let him try to recover knowing that he could have a sudden, stressful end at any time. I’ll never know that Yoda couldn’t have bounced back and had more good quality time, but all one can do in this situation is go with one’s gut. When I sat with Yoda at the hospital and looked in his eyes, I couldn’t imagine he was going to bounce back and that’s what I went with, because I had to base my decision on something. You’ll find something to base your decision on too and you just got to have faith that with the strength of your love and best intentions, that you’ve tapped into Raven’s wishes for himself.
Hang in there!
My prayers are going up for you too.
I played the video and Cemil answered Raven’s bark (he’s still answering). Dog supporting dog.
Many hugs
Mary
Dawn,
I posted on the forum, too, but I wanted to let you know that I am so praying for you and Raven. I am heatbroken. I was you were on and said no one was in the chat room but your were gone before I could get on. Hugs to both of you.
Debra & Angel Emily
How’s Raven (and you!) tonite? I’ve been thinking of you guys… and praying too!
Angel Jake’s Mom
I just got him home! I am going to write a new blog post right now…thank you so much EVERYONE. I can never find words for how comforting it is that you are all there…
The same question everyone asks of themselves, “How will I know when it is time.” It is different for everyone. Remember there is no wrong decision. Raven will let you know. Just love on him all you can.
Exactly why I started this forum topic when we asked ourselves just that as Jerry’s condition worsened.